don't make plans on 06/06/06

this website was fowarded to me by a law school buddy.

National Day of Slayer

from the website

Official Statement on Participation

Listen to Slayer at full blast in your car.
Listen to Slayer at full blast in your home.
Listen to Slayer at full blast at your place of employment.
Listen to Slayer at full blast in any public place you prefer.

DO NOT use headphones! The objective of this day is for everyone within earshot to understand that it is the National Day of Slayer. National holidays in America aren't just about celebrating; they're about forcing it upon non-participants.

Taking that participation to a problematic level

Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.
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I have to say, i hadn't really given them much thought, but slayer is pretty good.

delicate adventures

Sunday I decided to go up to Jane’s so I wouldn’t have to leave Monday morning to her house, then to OKC. When I arrive there are 4 girls in various stages of undress (bra and pajama pants, panties big shirt, ect) all lazing about on a Sunday afternoon. One had heard I enjoy coffee and made me some, good girl. These girls live everywhere but where their job is, so they stay at Jane’s house sometimes instead of going back home. Ok. Well one of them wouldn’t quit drilling me about my life and after ignoring her for a while she asked if she should drive to a Missouri army base to get laid. How far is the drive? Four hours. Definitely, yes, totally worth it to have sex with a stranger you met on myspace, please go and leave me alone.

The next morn day breaks and we head out on our delicate adventure. It was going pretty well, except she forgot most everything necessary for her trip, except the money for a car she’s picking up in okc the next day. That’s her problem. She has to stop to eat on the way, and I don’t want to, but she insists, and I pull away, and she nears closer, and.. wait… so we stop to get gas and she makes a sandwich out of potato chips and mustard.. hooray.. no I don’t want a bite. Jane has this problem where everything I say, or any of my opinions are the fucking best ever, I’m the best, fucking infallible like the pope and shit. This really really annoys me, because you can’t be sarcastic or test her to see if she really likes a certain band or whatever. Because I can’t be wrong. Girls need to tell men when they’re being a dickhead or at the very least be honest about your opinion. Whatev’s.
We get to okc and my cousin is at the arts festival setting up, so we sit on his porch and drink fat tire and talk.. It was quite pleasant actually. My cousin and his hetro life mate show up and we talk and drink and his girlfriend made dinner.. it was good, duck breast and shit.. sweet. So we’re out on the porch and the fucking tornado siren goes off, and jane has no idea what the hell it is and sort of freaks. Jane and matt and his girlfriend love getting high. Lets get high. All day. I personally hate it unless I’m going to be anti social or listen to music, but I conform and smoke with them, making me useless and dull. The news said everyone should stay home and not go driving around repairing pots at a dentist’s office with silver filling metal. So we did what they said not to do. It was pretty interesting, filling tiny cracks on a ceramic pot with silver. The tornados miss us and we go back to the house.

My cousin has to wake up at 5 to take shit to the festival so Jane and I go out. I pick up some friends I’d not seen in a while and were feeling guilty about not spending time with them (fucking friends with their soft woman hearts). Jane had seen pictures of my cousins and I going out in okc, and we like to frequent nice establishments, and I think she was expecting us to do the same. Nope. I took her to the seediest bars in town.. Not really bad, I mean, the casady kids go to Edna’s, it’s a fun bar. If you’ve never been there, then it looks real uninviting and not friendly at all, but they have great fried zucchini. She’s tired and eating her zucchini and I know she doesn’t want to be there really, but I’m a super asshole when I drink tons, and I literally forget all about her, I’m totally serial guys. One of the kids I’m with I’ve known almost my entire life, and is a close talker who yells. She doesn’t like him. He likes her A LOT. Finally I say we walk across the street and get twenty Mickey’s for twenty dollars, but sidecar is closed, so we go to the hi-lo club. Hi-lo is okay, it’s an indie kid / almost gay guy hang out, and I didn’t tell anyone this fact except Jane, who thought it was funny, and it was. My friends were getting on the entire time and not realizing it at all, they were constantly commenting on how nice everyone was and all the parties they’ve been invited to. Ha-ha, fags. It was a fairly uneventful night except Jane kept getting on to me for not escorting her everywhere and leaving her alone. Jesus, fend for yourself for ten seconds. We leave go back to my cousins at 2, and I make her a badass sandwich, most likely the best ever. I made truffle/basil mayo, and if that’s in there, questions will not come questioning the zenith of all sandwichitry. I’m proud of this one. We fall asleep with debo. My boy.

Fucking matt (cousin) wakes me up with his milling about, and jane gets up to take a huge dump (I assume). I roll around a bit and smell coffee, so I go in to get some café du mond. Jane, matt and his gf are in the dining room looking at.. pots or something and I roll in with my coffee, dressed in my finest boxer briefs and t-shirt, making convo. After about 5 minutes, my cousin informed me that my (superior) wang was dangling in the wind. A splendid and good morning to you sir. I go back to fucking bed.

So jane has to pick up this car, which is horribly overpriced, from a kid named Filipe who lives on penile street. Everytime I talk to him on the phone I pronounce his name with the whitest inflection possible. He loves me already. We go to get the car and take it for a test drive… to her GRANDMAS HOUSE IN BUTT FUCKING EGYPT. Asses. So after a 45 minute drive to her insane grandmas house, who loves birds, wears a bird dress, and also makes out with birds while making bird sounds. I drink some V8 and we head back to okc. This car is fucked, the transmission isn’t shifting correctly, and its way not worth the money, but she bought it on ebay and already put a 400 dollar deposit down. I don’t say anything. She pays this dude and we go back to Matt’s house.

I wasn’t planning on jane to meet my family, because they are, literally the royal tennenbaums only way more aggressive and intimidating, and most are racist. The previous night matt had been showing jane Nichols hills magazines with my family in them, and pictures of us at art shoes in the “about town” section and shit, which I wasn’t to thrilled about, and I think she really wanted to meet family after that. We pulled up to matts to drop off her new shitty car and then we were going to head down to the arts festival. My aunt, matts mom is out front cleaning. She gets bored and just shows up at his house and will clean the entire thing and fix up the yard while drinking wine and singing and other things white old ladies do. Jane cant stand it, and wont quit hugging her and complementing her and talking about stupid shit. I say about two words to my aunt and wait for Jane to calm down, and we leave. She wanted to go by crabtown to see my father, which my aunt informed us of his location, but I wouldn’t have it, too weird.

The arts festival was fun, matt had won more awards than anyone so far, and we had drinks and walked around in the pleasant weather, goodtimes. Ate lunch, drank more, had a really nice afternoon, I actually enjoyed myself. I almost stayed and let her drive back to Fayetteville but decided to follow her back until the turn off to Tahlequah at hwy 82, which is about 30 minutes from Fayetteville. So we drive back and I turn off and my phone dies. Ok. I get home, plug my phone in take a shower get ready for bed and check my messages. Her car broke down about 10 miles away from where I turned off. She left a hugely long message about how I didn’t need to come get her and why wasn’t I answer my phone, ect… her mom came and picked her up I suppose. Well that sucked, I didn’t call her back and actually haven’t called her since. Huh..

A general guideline for when you should take off your shirt

A few weeks ago, I was at Campus Corner, it was closing in on 1:30 am and I was about to leave. But then, there was some excitement! Apparently at another place across the street a few guys (three?) had gotten into some sort of argument with a larger group (eight?) of guys. The smaller group had decided to escape into the place I was currently about to exit. Since I was on the patio I ended having a front seat to some punchin' action. So there ended up being a fight at the doorway, a guy fell into a door handle (human on ground count: 1), the girl that was trying to punch got punched (ground count: 2), and some other crap happened. Anyway, while the EMT's and cops are obviously going to be there in a few minutes, a big guy with tatoos and muscles decides take off his shirt and steam around (to show his commitment to fighting?).

Now, fast foward to last week, I attended the All-Greek Boxing tournment. The night was going pretty well with bloody noses and a guy getting knocked out for a minute or so, and then, it happened again. Some duded who wasn't fighting decided he needed to take off his shirt. I guess it may have been to show his commitment to watching fighting, or a wierd way to flirt with the sorority girls (he was older).

And finally, last night I begin my journey home from Campus Corner, lots of people are in the streets. But one guy caught my attention. A bigger guy is standing off the curb, trying to sadly mumble some sort of a plea to the cop that was handcuffing him. If you haven't guessed from the previous two stories, or the title, dude's shirt is somewhere not on his body.

To help out anyone that sometimes feel they are in a situation they aren't sure if they should have all their clothes on, I've compiled a short list (this is in no way exhaustive):

Situation 1: The police are coming/ are walking around in your near vicinity.
Apparently some have this issue confused. The police are still able to see you if you are missing wardrobe. In fact, you will stick out more than the other people that are clothed, not vice versa. Think of it this way, if you are hungary and open your fridge your more likely to just heat something up than cook a totally new meal, its just easier. In the same way, if the police are itching to give someone a ride to jail, the guy without his shirt verses all the other people will probably be the easiest choice.

Situation 2: You are in/near a body of water.
This is totally appropiate. Actually keeping your shirt on will probably be less comfortable. Just remember this catchy rhyme: On or near water, no shirt is smarter!

Situation 3: You are done with the water adventures.
Unfortunately for some, you must realize the no shirt while floating a river or playing in the ocean ends when you stop doing that activity. Walking into Arby's with river smell all over your bare, sunburned torso will not impress the people already there that you got too drunk at 9am and forgot to put on sunscreen before you floated 12 miles of their local river. Locals actually don't like this, and they also don't like you driving 30 mph on the road leading to the river.

Situation 4: You are at a funeral.
Ummm, unless you are a member of an aboriginal tribe, or your culture promotes shirt ripping, it is in fact very inappropiate. The thinking that your rippling fat will help the others grieving is also flawed.

finals amusement

so i just really need a rest. i've been studying too hard the last few days, our worthless citation exam was needlessly stressful, and i just sat through our crim law professor putting on her red scarf and reinacting the vagina monologues (i wanted to laugh so bad). then we talked about a case along the lines of "yes, for the last time, i am a doctor. now, i need you to get naked, bend over the table and i'm going to insert this 'instrument' in your vagina." unfortunately, i did laugh at that one.

these are all from break.com.

the first one is a guy running as fast as he can. his leg is tied to a tree. Its near the end.

here, a guy lights some firecrackers and throws them in a stall while another dude is taking a dump.

finally, here is what seems to be an impromptu song that busts out during a dull college lecture. not sure if its real, in which case somebody should promptly do something like this.

Monkey Torture

This really should be on outraged, but ah no reason to reminisce. I cant believe the amount of torture to small helpless animals that goes on the the world we live. If I could save just one money a day, say for the cost of half a banana, all would be well. There must be a concentrated effort toward the assistance of these poor creatures. behold.

Yum!

So my boss is east indian, and he totally thinks I dig his cooking, which is pretty deck usually. Every once in a while he bring out the crazy shit, nirav shit, things from the old country. I will eat just about anyone once, I mean, anything.

The few things he brought to me the other day will only be tasted once by my gorgeous mouth. I'll try and explain what they are, but the pictures do it ultimate justice.





Okay, this isnt so bad. It tasted just like mango/banana puree, like those cans foreigners drink. Except I wasnt drinking it, it was cold sweet soup. Not terrible, not something I would ever crave either.



This was also really cold, almost frozen. I think its some kind of fried "bread vagina". It was really tough, and flavorless. I had no idea how I was supposed to use this in addition or as a supplement to my meal. Not great.



This.. hum.. this block on the left was similar to vietnamese broken rice, formed in pan with cilantro and poppy seeds. The yellow is obviously curry.. really dry and crumbly. These people were celebrating some celebration at the time this food was given to me, so they dont eat meat. This was good because it was lent at the time. The fried pockets, which I should have split open, were filled with a green pea/mashed potato mixture. Actually, this was the best thing, could have eaten quite a few of those. They also neglect to provide beverages for anything, must be all the sand.



basmati rice with peas and corn, something I could get behind. OH WAIT, there is fucking raisins in this bitch. Raisins are good, in something that has strong flavor such as carne adabado or something, not plain rice, however. yuck. thanks for ruining that.



Okay, the condiments for the meal. The cilantro chutney is really good, and its the best thing they make, its just shit tons of cilantro and a binder of some kind, maybe a little onion, quite good on nahn or something like that. THe orange sticks are, yes, say it, carrots. curry carrots. not terrible. real orange. tastes a little like pickled mango.



behold. looks like trash, pure garbage. tastes like it too. This is literally covered in orange oil, not sauce, just oil. there are various plants in there, supposidly eggplant and bamboo. My boss couldnt even describe it to me. I threw it in the toilet and told him I enjoyed it, but just then, I accidentally let him peer into my eyes, and I know he saw only terror, terror and fear, so I began to weep.

He's given me many other more terrible things, but I had happend to bring my camera to work this day.. I'll try to more often from now on. the end does NOT justify the means. ever.

gun safety

here is a clip of a DEA agent giving a gun safety talk during which he shoots himself. the site says the guy is now suing the government for allowing the tape to be released and thus causing him undue humilation.

Classic.

Do Retarded Things While Sleeping!

So apparently I sleep walk. There has been a few stories people have later told me before, but the other night I actually came to right when I was laying back down becuase of roommate noise. So this time, and the first time, I am actually aware of doing this. What happened was I was pawing at the wall in the hall and eventually got into a closet. CVR will probably be more than glad to tell you the few times he has witnessed this: the less exiting times I walked into his room, and the more embarassing time of trying to pee on a table. I think I have figured it out that I probably don't actually "sleep walk", but during the night may go the bathroom, but not fully wake up. I then either on the way going-to or, coming-from get mixed up on my directions (maybe becuase my eyes arent totally open or something) and end up somewhere else. At least my walking dead expositions are a hilarious topic for my roommates.

Dry Humping

So I went down to Bloomington last night to see Wilco in concert. I had pretty decent seats, 10th row, so life was good... or so I thought. About 30 minutes before the concert began, a bunch of drunk frat guys sit down behind me. So I thought to myself, "Okay, I can deal with this." So this one guy kept calling himself "Daddy" and even had some sort of intramural t-shirt with his name "Daddy" on the back. This guy wouldn't shut up, so I had to call him out on the fact that he was probably the one who gave himself that nickname. His friends started laughing and said that was true. The idiot didn't bother me the rest of the night.

At that point in time, I thought I was in the clear. Then, a dumb whore decided she wanted to sneak down by our seats and hang out with the pathetic frat guys behind us. During the concert, she was standing in front of one of the guys, dancing. We're in an auditorium, and there's really not much room for 2 people to stand in front of the seat, let alone dance. But, she's a dumb whore and decided to anyway. So I'm enjoying the concert, minding my own business, and I keep getting hit it the back with her hair and/or head. I turn around to see what the deal is, and I notice them basically dry humping right behind me. I try to ignore it, but it's like an accident scene, I just can't turn away. I continue to keep getting bumped by her head, and I finally turn around and say "Can you guys please have sex somewhere else? Thanks."

I guess the moral of the story is, don't dry hump at a Wilco show. That's more of a thing to do at a Black Eyed Peas show.

And Al-Qaeda's Enlistment Drops Significantly

Poking around the internet I ended up reading about Islamic eschatology (end times). While the Muslim world has yet to release its version of the "Left Behind" series, the subject of all the virgins you get in Heaven has been popular to write about not only in recent years, but for Islamic scholars of yester year. Anyway, if you don't mind reading this article , its pretty interesting. If you don't feel like reading it, or didn't get to the bottom, I'll explain what's so funny.

Basically a guy came out with a translation of the Quran, he though had the idea that some of the words were actually Syriac instead of the Arabic everyone normally thought. So what happens when you use a word with a different language? It changes a few things. Notably, the guy translating asserts that the virgins everyone talks about are actually meant to be translated as RAISINS. So with all the hot sexing your expecting to get after you speed a little boat into a battleship, one might be dissapointed to find out you are rewarded with snack food.

I tried to look up reviews of the book, and couldn't find any actual scholarly reviews. A normal review, some news pieces on it, and the expected condemations, and pages basically giggling about it just like this one. Man, I guess I'm slow to the punch.

testing

heres scientology

breaking with tradition, cvr posts on amused

unfortunately, its nothing i did and alison is not going to appreciate it. i found this clip of mr. show on youtube while looking for ronnie dobbs video and i think its rather hilarious.

i don't even know what to call this one

cm's post about durga reminded me of artemisia gentileschi, whose paintings featured women cutting off heads of men (or driving nails into their neck) more often than not. pretty cool, huh? an art history prof of mine was a big fan and we actually had to watch a movie about her. i think feminists in general are fans, as keaton's law prof posted the picture on the left on the website used for class assignments for no apparent reason. yeah, pointless post but there you have it.

Why bother being humble?

I was poking around facebook looking for a group formed that hates me speech teacher and ran across this. Im actually having trouble believing its for real.

http://ou.facebook.com/group_profile.php?gid=7480

if you cant link it, just look up Them Boyz From 1014 Walker's on a group search on facebook.