delicate adventures

Sunday I decided to go up to Jane’s so I wouldn’t have to leave Monday morning to her house, then to OKC. When I arrive there are 4 girls in various stages of undress (bra and pajama pants, panties big shirt, ect) all lazing about on a Sunday afternoon. One had heard I enjoy coffee and made me some, good girl. These girls live everywhere but where their job is, so they stay at Jane’s house sometimes instead of going back home. Ok. Well one of them wouldn’t quit drilling me about my life and after ignoring her for a while she asked if she should drive to a Missouri army base to get laid. How far is the drive? Four hours. Definitely, yes, totally worth it to have sex with a stranger you met on myspace, please go and leave me alone.

The next morn day breaks and we head out on our delicate adventure. It was going pretty well, except she forgot most everything necessary for her trip, except the money for a car she’s picking up in okc the next day. That’s her problem. She has to stop to eat on the way, and I don’t want to, but she insists, and I pull away, and she nears closer, and.. wait… so we stop to get gas and she makes a sandwich out of potato chips and mustard.. hooray.. no I don’t want a bite. Jane has this problem where everything I say, or any of my opinions are the fucking best ever, I’m the best, fucking infallible like the pope and shit. This really really annoys me, because you can’t be sarcastic or test her to see if she really likes a certain band or whatever. Because I can’t be wrong. Girls need to tell men when they’re being a dickhead or at the very least be honest about your opinion. Whatev’s.
We get to okc and my cousin is at the arts festival setting up, so we sit on his porch and drink fat tire and talk.. It was quite pleasant actually. My cousin and his hetro life mate show up and we talk and drink and his girlfriend made dinner.. it was good, duck breast and shit.. sweet. So we’re out on the porch and the fucking tornado siren goes off, and jane has no idea what the hell it is and sort of freaks. Jane and matt and his girlfriend love getting high. Lets get high. All day. I personally hate it unless I’m going to be anti social or listen to music, but I conform and smoke with them, making me useless and dull. The news said everyone should stay home and not go driving around repairing pots at a dentist’s office with silver filling metal. So we did what they said not to do. It was pretty interesting, filling tiny cracks on a ceramic pot with silver. The tornados miss us and we go back to the house.

My cousin has to wake up at 5 to take shit to the festival so Jane and I go out. I pick up some friends I’d not seen in a while and were feeling guilty about not spending time with them (fucking friends with their soft woman hearts). Jane had seen pictures of my cousins and I going out in okc, and we like to frequent nice establishments, and I think she was expecting us to do the same. Nope. I took her to the seediest bars in town.. Not really bad, I mean, the casady kids go to Edna’s, it’s a fun bar. If you’ve never been there, then it looks real uninviting and not friendly at all, but they have great fried zucchini. She’s tired and eating her zucchini and I know she doesn’t want to be there really, but I’m a super asshole when I drink tons, and I literally forget all about her, I’m totally serial guys. One of the kids I’m with I’ve known almost my entire life, and is a close talker who yells. She doesn’t like him. He likes her A LOT. Finally I say we walk across the street and get twenty Mickey’s for twenty dollars, but sidecar is closed, so we go to the hi-lo club. Hi-lo is okay, it’s an indie kid / almost gay guy hang out, and I didn’t tell anyone this fact except Jane, who thought it was funny, and it was. My friends were getting on the entire time and not realizing it at all, they were constantly commenting on how nice everyone was and all the parties they’ve been invited to. Ha-ha, fags. It was a fairly uneventful night except Jane kept getting on to me for not escorting her everywhere and leaving her alone. Jesus, fend for yourself for ten seconds. We leave go back to my cousins at 2, and I make her a badass sandwich, most likely the best ever. I made truffle/basil mayo, and if that’s in there, questions will not come questioning the zenith of all sandwichitry. I’m proud of this one. We fall asleep with debo. My boy.

Fucking matt (cousin) wakes me up with his milling about, and jane gets up to take a huge dump (I assume). I roll around a bit and smell coffee, so I go in to get some café du mond. Jane, matt and his gf are in the dining room looking at.. pots or something and I roll in with my coffee, dressed in my finest boxer briefs and t-shirt, making convo. After about 5 minutes, my cousin informed me that my (superior) wang was dangling in the wind. A splendid and good morning to you sir. I go back to fucking bed.

So jane has to pick up this car, which is horribly overpriced, from a kid named Filipe who lives on penile street. Everytime I talk to him on the phone I pronounce his name with the whitest inflection possible. He loves me already. We go to get the car and take it for a test drive… to her GRANDMAS HOUSE IN BUTT FUCKING EGYPT. Asses. So after a 45 minute drive to her insane grandmas house, who loves birds, wears a bird dress, and also makes out with birds while making bird sounds. I drink some V8 and we head back to okc. This car is fucked, the transmission isn’t shifting correctly, and its way not worth the money, but she bought it on ebay and already put a 400 dollar deposit down. I don’t say anything. She pays this dude and we go back to Matt’s house.

I wasn’t planning on jane to meet my family, because they are, literally the royal tennenbaums only way more aggressive and intimidating, and most are racist. The previous night matt had been showing jane Nichols hills magazines with my family in them, and pictures of us at art shoes in the “about town” section and shit, which I wasn’t to thrilled about, and I think she really wanted to meet family after that. We pulled up to matts to drop off her new shitty car and then we were going to head down to the arts festival. My aunt, matts mom is out front cleaning. She gets bored and just shows up at his house and will clean the entire thing and fix up the yard while drinking wine and singing and other things white old ladies do. Jane cant stand it, and wont quit hugging her and complementing her and talking about stupid shit. I say about two words to my aunt and wait for Jane to calm down, and we leave. She wanted to go by crabtown to see my father, which my aunt informed us of his location, but I wouldn’t have it, too weird.

The arts festival was fun, matt had won more awards than anyone so far, and we had drinks and walked around in the pleasant weather, goodtimes. Ate lunch, drank more, had a really nice afternoon, I actually enjoyed myself. I almost stayed and let her drive back to Fayetteville but decided to follow her back until the turn off to Tahlequah at hwy 82, which is about 30 minutes from Fayetteville. So we drive back and I turn off and my phone dies. Ok. I get home, plug my phone in take a shower get ready for bed and check my messages. Her car broke down about 10 miles away from where I turned off. She left a hugely long message about how I didn’t need to come get her and why wasn’t I answer my phone, ect… her mom came and picked her up I suppose. Well that sucked, I didn’t call her back and actually haven’t called her since. Huh..