Why you should probably hire someone competent, rather than your friends

I know Ive mostly just posted fake stories on here, but this is real. And funny:

So the Cherokee Nation has joined with the other tribes in building 'casinos' all over north eastern Oklahoma. I actually went into one thats next to a gas station, it was a small building filled with slot machines...thats about it. You could smell the stale smoke from about 30 feet before the door. Anyway, they decided while they were building casinos everywhere, why not build one in the capital (Tahlequah)? Some (rational) people complained how the new chief felt it nesscessary to build the casino on the land in the main complex area, and next to the school. They brought up how it probably wasn't the best image, that it was next to the school, etc. They were of course rebutted with the standard political b.s. doublespeak of how it was going to benefit the nation, it was the best spot, blah blah blah. So they built the thing, first the stupid temporary tent, then the actual building. But then, someone bothered to read the law (or rather, was informed of it).

Remember the school they built the casino next to? You can't serve alcohol within a certain radius of schools, guess which newly constructed casino sits in that radius. Yeah. So now, apparently they are going to rebuild on a different site (maybe next to a church this time) and give the old building to the school. HA.

And a bonus: 9 people have inquired (usually with shock) who I could possibly be dating when I clicked 'in a relationship' on facebook for around a day. 5 asked that night, including 1 text message, and 1 person felt they needed to call.

Steve Seikel's Guide To Marriage

Hi! My roommate is not so great at pleasuring a woman.. orally. So instead of me talking to him, I just wrote this up. It is very important we understand this.. and I'm here to share my knowledge, add if you'd like. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "even though I'm about to rock your insides with 3k worth of explosives, here’s how I really feel, babe." Instead of a screaming "OH MY GOD!!" like her child has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), eating out elicits a more splendiferous ohhhhhhhhhmyyyygoooodddddddd. A good mange (that’s French for "eat,") is like tons of saturday, and sunday mornings all in a moment. But never go down unless YOU'RE down. Unlike bj’s, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. A dry cunt is an unhappy cunt. If your fingers touch a dry bush, go back to the kissing and shit for awhile. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and is all that’s needed to get it going. Once you’re sure its wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. YOU CANT RUSH INTO IT, so make sure she’s really begging before you get under the sheets. bring up a wet finger that both of you can share.. Don’t get there too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can kill the tease factor. Most of a womans pleasure is about yearning. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man, it can be a bad idea. It gets hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her tits and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her twat, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days. Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first taste. never bite it in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the top. Do about a dozen of these licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session. Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. They come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. take your hand and place it right over the mound, feel the heat, blow cool and hot air over it, again and again. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on. Once you’re done she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on. If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. If you are dealing with a particularly saucy one she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but if you're on adderal viagra and coke, you're going to have your tongue in there in a minute anyway. have fun!

Uh.. i found this

I wrote this a while back..

So I never usually celebrate my birthday, it’s arbitrary, and not important to me. This year, I decided to make it worthwhile. Last Tuesday my ex “jane” that I have written about in previous posts, broke up with her boyfriend and invited me up for celebration.

I arrived that night and we layed around and watched troma movies and drank in bed, pretty fun. Woke up, went to common grounds, and drank bloody mary’s outside in the appropriate weather.. also pleasant. She took me shopping and whatnot, bought liquor, took a nap and woke up about 8. She had this friend who sells cocaine and pot, but doesn’t do either, which I doubt but whatever. She buys me an 8-ball and we sit around doing beer bongs in the yard while on the white pony. Jane is having some dude come live with her for a few months starting Sunday, which I don’t give two shits about, but its odd.. she never doesn’t have a dude around. She has to work that night, from 8pm til 4am, at a bar downtown. I have her housekey and go to a friends house to drink the night away. Go see good friends and drink heavily in the garage. I left my phone at her house. SHIT! She gets off early and I didn’t have a phone so I could let her in. (Cruzan rum and a Mexican coke + lime is magno) She fucking tracks me down somehow and its me and about 6 other people all coked out chugging vodka. I realize what happened, get ready for a chewing, motherfucker drags me to the bathroom for a little sesh of makeout. Huh.. that turned out awesome. She goes home and leaves me there to party a bit more.. go back to her place and pass out.

The previous day I had purchased much meat such as Richards meat market in Fayetteville, awesome awesome place. I get my gear ready and leave for OKC Friday morning. About halves there I realize I left all this shit in her freezer. ASSES! Fortunatly a friend of mine who lives in OKC was driving back the next day. He had no cell phone, so I had to call his friends and relay messages, real fucking annoying. I kinda confirm that he’ll bring my delicious meats, and make it to OKC.

So this is Friday, my actual birthDAY. Get to my cousins house start drinking tequila. That night my grandma had reserved a private room at Micheals Grill in okc. Never been there, supposed to be real badass. So in our little room, there’s a stupid flat screen tv, what kinda stupid idea is that? Maybe if I was by myself it would be cool.. turned that fucker off. Ordered lots of food that was horrible.. I mean, it was all bad.. just got drunk on some Hendrix gin.. oh man, that stuff rules.

I am funny, but bad at writing jokes, says friends.

Its true. I finally accept that my jokes suck. I am much better at falling into dumb situations and making fun of people. I promise to post current events in the next day or so, which includes a night when the power went out while a party was being held, and the entire house sounded like boots stuck in mud. ew.

Joke One:

A man walks into a bar, and says, "Bartender! Give me one on the rocks!" So the bartender gently plants a kiss on the mans soft testicles.

Joke Two:

A transvestite saunters into a bar, and asks, "Hey! Can you make me a bloody mary?" So the bartender breaks his nose. The bartender is a good irishman who does not appreciate nonsense.


So i'm bad at it i guess.. I'm pretty good at one liners.. but not jokes.. horrible true tales of recent events soon. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon. (__*__)