A general guideline for when you should take off your shirt

A few weeks ago, I was at Campus Corner, it was closing in on 1:30 am and I was about to leave. But then, there was some excitement! Apparently at another place across the street a few guys (three?) had gotten into some sort of argument with a larger group (eight?) of guys. The smaller group had decided to escape into the place I was currently about to exit. Since I was on the patio I ended having a front seat to some punchin' action. So there ended up being a fight at the doorway, a guy fell into a door handle (human on ground count: 1), the girl that was trying to punch got punched (ground count: 2), and some other crap happened. Anyway, while the EMT's and cops are obviously going to be there in a few minutes, a big guy with tatoos and muscles decides take off his shirt and steam around (to show his commitment to fighting?).

Now, fast foward to last week, I attended the All-Greek Boxing tournment. The night was going pretty well with bloody noses and a guy getting knocked out for a minute or so, and then, it happened again. Some duded who wasn't fighting decided he needed to take off his shirt. I guess it may have been to show his commitment to watching fighting, or a wierd way to flirt with the sorority girls (he was older).

And finally, last night I begin my journey home from Campus Corner, lots of people are in the streets. But one guy caught my attention. A bigger guy is standing off the curb, trying to sadly mumble some sort of a plea to the cop that was handcuffing him. If you haven't guessed from the previous two stories, or the title, dude's shirt is somewhere not on his body.

To help out anyone that sometimes feel they are in a situation they aren't sure if they should have all their clothes on, I've compiled a short list (this is in no way exhaustive):

Situation 1: The police are coming/ are walking around in your near vicinity.
Apparently some have this issue confused. The police are still able to see you if you are missing wardrobe. In fact, you will stick out more than the other people that are clothed, not vice versa. Think of it this way, if you are hungary and open your fridge your more likely to just heat something up than cook a totally new meal, its just easier. In the same way, if the police are itching to give someone a ride to jail, the guy without his shirt verses all the other people will probably be the easiest choice.

Situation 2: You are in/near a body of water.
This is totally appropiate. Actually keeping your shirt on will probably be less comfortable. Just remember this catchy rhyme: On or near water, no shirt is smarter!

Situation 3: You are done with the water adventures.
Unfortunately for some, you must realize the no shirt while floating a river or playing in the ocean ends when you stop doing that activity. Walking into Arby's with river smell all over your bare, sunburned torso will not impress the people already there that you got too drunk at 9am and forgot to put on sunscreen before you floated 12 miles of their local river. Locals actually don't like this, and they also don't like you driving 30 mph on the road leading to the river.

Situation 4: You are at a funeral.
Ummm, unless you are a member of an aboriginal tribe, or your culture promotes shirt ripping, it is in fact very inappropiate. The thinking that your rippling fat will help the others grieving is also flawed.