Steve Seikel's Guide To Marriage

Hi! My roommate is not so great at pleasuring a woman.. orally. So instead of me talking to him, I just wrote this up. It is very important we understand this.. and I'm here to share my knowledge, add if you'd like. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "even though I'm about to rock your insides with 3k worth of explosives, here’s how I really feel, babe." Instead of a screaming "OH MY GOD!!" like her child has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), eating out elicits a more splendiferous ohhhhhhhhhmyyyygoooodddddddd. A good mange (that’s French for "eat,") is like tons of saturday, and sunday mornings all in a moment. But never go down unless YOU'RE down. Unlike bj’s, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. A dry cunt is an unhappy cunt. If your fingers touch a dry bush, go back to the kissing and shit for awhile. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and is all that’s needed to get it going. Once you’re sure its wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. YOU CANT RUSH INTO IT, so make sure she’s really begging before you get under the sheets. bring up a wet finger that both of you can share.. Don’t get there too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can kill the tease factor. Most of a womans pleasure is about yearning. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man, it can be a bad idea. It gets hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her tits and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her twat, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days. Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first taste. never bite it in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the top. Do about a dozen of these licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session. Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. They come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. take your hand and place it right over the mound, feel the heat, blow cool and hot air over it, again and again. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on. Once you’re done she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on. If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. If you are dealing with a particularly saucy one she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but if you're on adderal viagra and coke, you're going to have your tongue in there in a minute anyway. have fun!